the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
