Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
