What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
