So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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