There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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