i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Less talking, more tequila
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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