dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
