News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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