I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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