i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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