where am i from again
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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