a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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