you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
