the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
