are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
