I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
