I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
