Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
