Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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