I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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