How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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