All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
