I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
