yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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