sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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