Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
