I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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