Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
