better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
