My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
