dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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