you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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