At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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