so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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