we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
