she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Sober January is a disaster.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
