I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
