All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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