Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
