I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
