I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
