My balls are so social today.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You ruined the universe
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
