I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
