I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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