Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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