How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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