His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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