i think my tv is drunk
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Buhtt sex?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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