Soap is not a condiment
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
