her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
