So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
